Category Archives: Humor

A Lebanese Christmas Card Like No Other …

Posted By :

xmas leb zbele By Mukagraf

Christmas will have a different “flavor” this year in Lebanon. There are still no solutions for the garbage crisis and everyone is hoping at this point that snow will cover everything. Until then, Santa is taking special precautions this year to celebrate Christmas with the Lebanese as portrayed by Muriel.

If you don’t like this card , there’s another one that I loved that says “Merry Christmas wou bye bye regime” and a couple of others that also awesome. To be honest, I can’t stop recommending Muriel’s greeting cards because they are well-designed, original, hilarious and they perfectly reflect the Lebanese culture.

I got these from Virgin Megastore but you can find Mukagraf greeting cards in almost every bookstore.

Check out Mukagraf’s insta [here].

10 Reasons (NOT) To Follow Me On Snapchat

Posted By :

snap2

I’ve been trying for almost a year now to start using Snapchat on a regular basis but I am unable to. I don’t know what I’m doing there, I don’t see the point of Snapchat and I never feel like snapping anything. Unfortunately, most of my friends are there now so I’m always curious to see what’s happening there but then I lose interest right away.

So how can I stay active there? I thought that the only way to snap more often is by redoing all these annoying and pointless things I see on Snapchat, so here’s what I will do:

1- I will make you dizzy during parties
Whenever I’m at a party or concert, I will share low-quality 360 videos that are guaranteed to make you dizzy. The voice will also be lousy because that’s how we roll on Snapchat.

2- I will show you how to open a box with one hand
Unboxing gifts and tech items is a whole new experience on Snapchat. No other social media platform gives you the privilege of opening things with just one hand because you can usually upload things after you film them, but you can’t do that on Snapchat because it’s so cool.

3- I will eat my meals with one hand:
This is also a very unique skill that I will hopefully master soon on Snapchat. It will probably take weeks of practice but no one will know how good you’ve become because your snaps will gone by then.

4- I will show you my bed and my bathroom occasionally
Now who wouldn’t want to see that? Seriously?

5- I will pretend to have tons of fans and answer their questions:
You can pretend to the most popular guy out there on Snapchat and no one can prove you wrong. I will dedicate one hour every week to answer all the questions that my fans will be sending me or just come up with questions and answer them anyway.

PS: I will answer fans while jogging as well to show that I’m healthy and stuff.

6- I will read 2 full pages of a Paulo Coelho book every night:
I have to increase my score on Snapchat even though I don’t know what these points stand for or if I’ll ever use them.

7- I will state the obvious:
If I’m having a coffee or a burger or a pizza, I will let you know that I’m doing so. Please don’t bother ask about the ingredients or if it’s good or not because this is too much information for Snapchat users.

8- I will wish you a good morning and good night every single day … twice!
I love my fans and I want them to have a good day and night. Also snaps are gone after 24 hours so it makes perfect sense to snap the same things every day. Why twice? Because I have followers in the US and Australia and I have to respect the time differences.

PS: I will show you the time during these snaps in case you don’t have a watch or are too lazy to read the time on your phone.

9- I will share one motivation snap every day to inspire my friends and fans.
It will be in Arabic or French in order to sound more wise.

10- I have no idea what I’m doing there
I guess that’s the best reason to follow me or anyone there.

snap1

Five Measures Lebanon Will Take To Fight Global Warming

Posted By :

Lebanon’s garbage crisis was put on hold for the time being as our environment minister was too busy attending and signing the climate pact in Paris to cut greenhouse gas emissions and limit global warming. This is the first time an agreement is reached in two decades of climate conferences and Lebanon had to be there given its leading regional role in promoting green energy and reducing pollution.

Quoting Minister Machnouk, “the new agreement aspires to a future free of carbon emission and prepared to confront climate change”. Moreover, and in an attempt to preserve Lebanon’s leadership in the fight against global warmimg, the below five measures will be implemented ASAP:

1- Celebrate Earth Hour 6 times every day:

In addition to the daily electricity cuts planned by EDL, Earth Hour will be celebrated 6 hours every day to encourage people to consider renewable energies or upgrade their generator subscription.

2- Fine more drivers randomly:

In an attempt to discourage drivers from taking out their cars, more fines will be imposed randomly on drivers all around Lebanon. Given the outrageous high fines and the lousy economic situation, this will force people to keep their cars home and use non-existent public transportation.

3- Bury more garbage:

Since burning trash pollutes further the air, the logical thing to do is to bury all this garbage. Garbage dump sites will be open to the public on Sundays and entrance will be free to all.

4- Introduce The “Green” Arguile:
d_petite_green

Arguile has become an important part of our culture and the latest anti-smoking law was an outrageous attempt to destroy this rich (in flavors) tradition. This is why the authorities will kick off a campaign as of January to promote further “healthy” smoking by introducing solar powered arguiles. Smoking will also be allowed again indoors to limit the damage of smoking outdoors.

5- Triple the gas prices:

This measure will help reduce traffic as a lot of Lebanese won’t be able to afford filing up their cars anymore. All extra profits will be used to finance the politicians’ wage increase that has been pending for quite some time now.

All in all, I am not sure which is funnier, what I just posted or the fact that Lebanon signed a pact to fight global warming while we can’t even take garbage out of the streets.

One Quote That Sums Up The AirBoard Hype In Lebanon

Posted By :

lol By the hilarious OhMyJad

The air-board is a fun gadget but I never thought for a second it would become that popular especially that it’s very expensive ($800+). As it turns out, I was terribly wrong as it became a global trend and is probably this year’s most popular Christmas gift.

It’s all over the place in Lebanon as well. I see people using it in malls, on pavements, on public roads and almost every kid in Beirut Souks has one. The problem however is that there are fake ones being sold now and these are potentially dangerous for kids, not to mention that kids will become even lazier now.

I don’t envy parents who have to buy one for their kids this Christmas because I’m sure they will get bored of it very quickly. I remember when my younger brother once wanted a small electric scooter (that cost $500 back then) for Christmas then he ended up using for a couple of weeks only. Nevertheless, I recommend to buy it if you have to from authorized dealers or decent toy shops like Virgin Megastore or Mazen World.

All in all, I think Jad’s quote hilariously sums up the airboard hype.

7 Electricity Issues You Only Face In Lebanon

Posted By :

elec

Ever since I moved to my new house a year ago, I’ve been struggling non-stop with the electricity and I hate to say that, but it doesn’t look like there’s a legal way to fix all these issues. I’ve been trying for months to figure out a way to finalize legal papers between the real estate company and EDL to have our own circuit breaker (disjoncteur), since we are using the main construction site one that powers three buildings, but it’s a very complicated and tiring process. In fact, it doesn’t look like any of the concerned parties (EDL, Real Estate company etc …) are interested in resolving this issue and as a result, you end up facing issues that no one has probably heard of outside Lebanon:

1- Main Circuit Breaker Keeps Going Off:
When the building doesn’t have its own electricity room yet, this circuit breaker is located on an electricity pole on the main road and it’s a hassle to turn it on everyday. Moreover, anyone passing by can turn it off and you can’t lock it because EDL officers can drop by anytime to make sure we didn’t replace the circuit breaker with a bigger one.

Of course it’s much easier during summer but imagine there’s a storm outside and you have to go down to turn it on and make sure you don’t get electrocuted in the process.

2- Lightning strikes the electric pole box and ruins the whole thing:
This happened 3 times now every since I moved to my new place. Last time, the whole electric box got burned at around 1 am, our phone was ruined and we ended up without electricity till the next morning. Luckily for us, the municipality takes care of such things so they fixed it the next day somehow.

I’m sure such things occur elsewhere in the world but not as often as they do here. Moreover, the setup is so bad lightning might ruin your home appliances in the process.

3- Generator overheats:
When there’s no electricity (EDL) for a long time, the generator owner sometimes has to rest his generator for some time and so you end up without electricity. We’re blessed to have a decent generator guy so this rarely happens but my parents used to suffer all the time from that.

4- EDL officer cut off the electricity.
Since we don’t have an electric room, there’s a bill that has to be paid by all the tenants. Usually the real estate company takes care of that until you register your house but after that, you have to pay a lump-sum bill for all the buildings connected to that same electric box.

The bills usually are much higher than the normal ones but the real problem is with the bill collector. The first time, he showed up and placed a paper on the door giving us a second warning (we never got the first one) and then he called two days later threatening to cut off the electricity if we didn’t pay. The second time, he also showed up around 10 am when everyone is away and when I called him to set up a date, he didn’t show up the whole week and called me on Sunday night to inform me that he’s visiting the next day.

5- Someone is stealing electricity and screws things up
It’s very easy to steal electricity when it’s a new building because the electric box is out on the street, and you can’t really do anything about it especially when you’re not home the whole day.

6- Neighbors who think they are electricians:
Electricians in Lebanon never show up on time and they rarely get the job done when they do. I don’t know what’s their deal to be honest but it’s easier to learn how to fix things on Google than expect your electrician to show up but electricity is obviously not something you want to play with. Unfortunately, you always have that neighbor who thinks he knows it all and ends up screwing everything.

Few weeks back, our house looked like a Christmas tree for an hour or so because one of the neighbors was doing some works.

7- Someone keeps switching off the electricity:
Since the circuit breaker is on the main road, anyone passing by can switch it off for no reason and this used to happen quite often at my parent’s place. In fact, we once monitored for a week the circuit breaker and finally caught the guy. Luckily for us, this is not happening where I live now but it happens a lot elsewhere. I remember Gemmayze residents used to complain a lot about drunk people switching off their electricity as well.

All in all, we were promised 24/7 electricity in 2015 but instead things got even worse than 2010 and it looks like we are headed towards 24/7 generators soon. I want to make things legal and have my own bill and our own electric box and I’ve been trying for a year now but in vain. Instead, I am paying inflated bills and I cannot control who’s stealing electricity. Until now, I still refuse to use wasta and I’m still trying to fix things for next year so let’s see how things go.

PS: There’s always the option of moving to Zahle.

The Funniest Interview I’ve Seen This Year on Lebanese TVs

Posted By :

tawk2 He actually compared himself to Britney Spears LOL!

This is beyond hilarious. A prank call was being circulated between some guy called Elie Tawk and a security officer who was threatening him for insulting a Lebanese MP and Joe Maalouf somehow managed to interview Tawk.

Listen to the interview, you’ll laugh your ass off, trust me!

[YouTube]

PS: MP Kanaan denied that he was filing a lawsuit against this guy or threatening him.

Joumblatt’s Post Won The Internet Yesterday

Posted By :

walid

I laughed so hard at Joumblatt’s “Jean-Blat Van Damme” tweet yesterday and at his tweets last week following Russia’s drills in the Mediterranean that took Lebanon by surprise.

Nevertheless, I keep asking myself every time I see these tweets if we should be really laughing at them given the situation we are in and this man’s position or bashing him for taking things so lightly. But then again no one takes anything seriously in this country unfortunately so why should anyone? Two days ago, a municipality caused a 6-hour traffic on the Jounieh highway because they were burning garbage under a bridge and started a fire yet no arrests were made and everyone was too busy with the fake Jdeideh Christmas decoration the next day.

They say laughter is the best medicine yet I’m not sure how much it will help with all this garbage and diseases around us.

jumm

Roadworks In Dbayyeh For The Next Two Weeks: I Kid You Not!

Posted By :

20151125_071001

Christmas season has begun and Dbayyeh malls are already causing traffic, The Village Dbayyeh just opened recently, there’s a storm coming this weekend so the logical thing to do is of course to schedule roadworks in Dbayyeh from 25/11 till 7/12.

Now if you thought that this was a stupid move, wait till you read this headline:

title

“Avoid the Dbayyeh highway starting tomorrow!”

Why didn’t I think of that before? I’m gonna call work and tell them I’m off for the next couple of weeks because we were told to avoid the Dbayyeh highway. Of course you can always take the Jounieh –> Jeita –> Achkout –> Kolayaat –> Bekfaya –> Elissar –> Jal el Dib road. It’s a very nice road with a lot of beautiful sceneries, just make sure you leave your place at 4 am.

map

Okay, my rant is over. Enjoy the traffic and expect more “traffic-boosters” during December. Who knows? Maybe they will close down Achrafieh roads a week before Christmas, or close down roads on the way to Faraya right before NYE.

Forget The Lebanese Presidency, We Have Juliana Awada Now

Posted By :

juliana

Since no one really cares about not having a Lebanese President anymore, we can all brag for now about the new first lady of Argentina, Juliana Awada, who’s of Lebanese descent because she’s apparently the closest thing to presidency that we will get this year (and maybe next year). Juliana is the wife of the Mayor of Buenos Aires and newly elected Argentinian President Mauricio Macri. She’s the daughter of Abraham Awada, a Lebanese immigrant native of Baalbeck.

On a serious note, why can’t we have a woman as a president in Lebanon? What’s stopping our female politicians from applying or presenting themselves as potential candidates? I’d love to see a female president in Lebanon one day. For now I’d love to see a president though :)

Juliana2