Category Archives: Humor

Two New Road Signs To Be Introduced In Lebanon

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CKVpN8TUsAAc-e3 Poster done by Bob Kastoun from Ma3roof

If you spot the first sign, quickly take ur right and let whomever is behind you pass, otherwise you might get beaten up or even stabbed to death. As for the second sign, it will deployed in the next phase of the new traffic law to help drivers avoid specific potholes that were listed as historic sites and are being preserved by the concerned ministries and Goodwill Ambassador Zein el Atat.

joura

Ten Things The Telegraph Didn’t Know About Lebanon

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leb via LiveLoveBeirut

It’s not always a good thing when Lebanon is promoted as a touristic destination by international media as the way they perceive things is sometimes highly inaccurate. Of course you can’t really blame them because of the current situation on the borders and in neighboring countries but it wouldn’t hurt to double check on some facts before publishing them.

I just finished reading an article recently published by the Telegraph on Beirut entitled “War is a million miles away when the Lebanese begin to party” and here are ten things they got completely wrong. The first two are related to the outdated pictures they used, while the rest is from the article itself.

chris A Lebanese Christian woman partying after recent elections

1- The last elections took place on June 7, 2009 which is more than 6 years ago and a “Christian woman” drinking champagne after results were announced is not really how we party in Beirut.

diningg Dining out in Beirut’s rebuilt downtown area (Photo: Alamy)

2- I don’t remember the last time I saw people dining in that area of Beirut. I think it goes back to 2003 or 2004. Whomever wrote this article obviously hasn’t visited Beirut in a long time.

Standing on picnic tables, skinny girls in hot pants and crop-tops gyrated to thumping beats, upending bottles of vodka into the mouths of the bare-chested men dancing beside them. An open-top car, Christian Louboutin shoes and a full-time, live-in maid to look after one’s children are all must-have accessories.

3- Are they referring to Rikkyz here? If not where is this place in the Lebanese mountains with skinny girls in hot pants and bare-chested men? I had no clue Rikkyz was for fancy people only.

Beauty is paramount: parents are known to book nose jobs as a birthday presents for their teenage children, and the youngsters wear their stitches proudly, as badges of honour. The average cost of a birthday party among this elite, one event organiser tells me, is $200,000. A wedding is $300,000.

4- Nose jobs for teenage children? Wear their stitches as a badge of honor? Really? And birthday parties for $200,000? Are we talking about Lebanon here? Plastic surgery is quite common in Lebanon but people tend to be discreet about it as far as I know.

It is said that most of the country’s big spenders sustain their lifestyles using bank loans they cannot obviously repay. The phenomenon is often explained as a consequence of the civil war.

5- Bank loans for $200,000 to hold a birthday party and get a nose job? Lebanese families who organize such parties don’t need bank loans. They probably own banks themselves. Moreover, the phenomenon is not a consequence of the civil war as most people tend to overspend on their credit cards. This is a universal problem for all credit card holders.

Society remains divided. Most Lebanese put sect before country. Beirut is a patchwork of separate cantons (in Christian Ashrafieh, the women wear miniskirts, while 10 minutes’ walk east, in the mostly Shia district of Basta, the prevailing fashion is the hijab).

6- Shia District of Basta? Isn’t Basta a traditionally Sunnite area?

The communities rarely interact.

7- That’s true. Christians rarely talk to Muslims and we rarely hang out at the same places. Yesterday I went to Verdun and I was a bit worried that Muslims on camels might attack me there, but then I spotted Christians wearing gold chain necklaces with a cross on it and I felt safe again.

Rushing through the city’s Armenian quarter one night, on my way to the chic downtown district, I was stopped by an elderly man who warned me not to go on. “There are Muslims there,” he cautioned.

8- The Muslims are coming. Beware lol!

A Lebanese businessman told me recently how he had struggled to persuade a British colleague to come to Beirut. For years she refused to visit, until it became a necessity for her work. Convinced she was flying into a war zone, her hands shook with fear as she checked in at Heathrow. On the plane she broke into floods of tears.

9- This passage is quite insulting to the whole British community and to British Ambassador Tom Fletcher. Is it so hard for this young woman to check the British Embassy’s website and understand what’s happening in Lebanon. Ironically enough, the UK travel advice to Lebanon is one of the most detailed and accurate ones.

For now, sadly, even at the magnificent Greco-Roman temples of Baalbek, the tourist touts sit together at a coffee table by the empty ticket hall. A camel, dressed up to the nines, with an embroidered doily resting between its ears and an elaborately carved wooden saddle on his back, waits under a tree, desolately swatting flies with its tail. The businessman’s friend may well have been their last customer.

10- The Baalbeck International Festival is the oldest and most prestigious cultural event in the Middle East and is visited by thousands every year. Last year, the festivals were relocated due to the situation in Syria but they are back this year. Moreover, Baalbeck is almost one of the most impressive and most visited sites in Lebanon.

The only thing that the Telegraph goes right was that the “biggest risk to foreigners in Lebanon is a thick waistline and a stinking hangover”. Here’s a [link] to the full article.

PS: If you’re coming to Lebanon this summer, here’s a list of fun things to do.

Zahle Teta “Yi K*** Em Hal Kahraba Chou Bitdall Ma2tou3a bi Beirut!”

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Karhaba

Zahle residents have every right to brag about their achievement as they now have 24/7 electricity and water and have sorted out their garbage issues as well. More importantly, they managed to confront generator owners and the mafias behind them and keep them away from the city.

I wish Jounieh officials (and other major cities for that sake) would learn a thing or two from Zahle and come up with a plan to provide electricity to its residents and stop the Zouk power-plant pollution instead of hanging polluting posters and holding useless press conferences.

[YouTube]

ISIS Relieved After Rambo Denied Plans To Fight Them

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rambo

Rumors spread yesterday (from a fake news website) that Rambo is set to fight ISIS in the next and last Rambo movie “Last Stand”, and that his production team is already scouting for locations in ‘ISIS strongholds’ in Syria and Iraq. Unfortunately, the rumors were denied quickly by a representative for Stallone.

It’s too bad as it would have been one heck of a plot. I actually thought of one where Rambo would be in Lebanon on vacation with an old friend before she gets kidnapped somewhere in the Bekaa by ISIS and then he has to go free her from inside Syria or Iraq. He seeks help from his newly made Lebanese and Syrian friends and goes on to battle ISIS from Syria to Iraq.

Anyway the good news is that “Last Stand” still might exist, the bad news is that it won’t be Rambo taking down ISIS.

stalo

Let’s All Remember Women Rights In Lebanon Because Of Chris Brown

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Ever since I posted about the Chris Brown giveaway, I’ve been receiving comments from people telling me that I shouldn’t promote him because he beat his ex-gf Rihana and that would send a wrong message to all those who are attending the concert. Added to that, Beirut.com surprisingly shared an article on why (and I quote) “attending Chris Brown’s concert would be another slap in the face to all the woman who have suffered at the hands of husbands, boyfriends and fathers in this country? And a slap in the face to all the hard work that KAFA has been doing to combat these societal problems?”, then asked to boycott Brown’s concert and make “this disgusting guy “khalas” in Lebanon “Forever”.” (I have no idea what this last sentence means by the way).

I’m at loss for words to be honest. It’s as if we got bored of boycotting artists because they’ve been to Israel so we started coming up with new reasons to boycott them. In fact, maybe they are right, maybe we should no longer tolerate the likes of Chris Brown and pressure the Lebanese authorities to halt all concerts this summer and stop all artists who may pose a threat to our society or could negatively influence the young and innocent generations, even if this means harming our economy and causing major financial losses to Lebanese companies. Maybe we should start a new movement and make Rihanna’s insightful song “Bitch Better Have My Money” its anthem.

I say we should boycott any artist who at some point in his life:
– Drank too much alcohol and got drunk.
– Used illegal substances.
– Cheated on his wife or gf/bf.
– Posed naked in front of the camera.
– Didn’t properly use hashtags on Instagram.
– Used the F*** word in a concert or during an interview.
– Was fined for speeding or parking illegally.
– Answered his cellphone at the theaters.
– Didn’t call his mother on her birthday.
– Didn’t visit his grandma on Christmas.
– Burned $100 dollar bills to light up his cigar.
– Smoked an Arguile.
– Had a Chicken Shawarma without garlic.
– Claimed that Hummus is not Lebanese.
– Denied the fact that Lebanon is the center of the Universe.

And the list goes on and on …

Rihanna-and-Chris-Brown-2015

In all cases, I heard rumors that Riri will join the movement soon but she’s currently too busy partying with Chris Brown and helping him out with his new house.

Note: I am in no way trying to compare what Chris Brown did to speeding or shawarma. He s a terrible human being who served time for what he did but that’s not the point here. What I’m referring to is how we barely make any effort when women are abused in Lebanon but get all excited when it’s about Rihanna. Our government has been refusing to pass a law to protect women for years yet we don’t boycott them or hold them accountable. When NGOs call for demonstrations to stop domestic violence hundreds only show up. Let’s set our priorities straight once and for all.

Fail Lebanese Headline Of The Week Goes To Al Jadeed

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elissa

Ever since #TweetLikeLebaneseMedia trended on Twitter, I’ve been thinking about coming up with “awards” for Lebanese Media tweets and headlines because they’ve been outdoing themselves lately. The latest was the above headline by Al Jadeed.

As you all know, going to a beach resort in Lebanon is a unique experience where you can find almost everything except people swimming. The sight of a couple or an individual swimming in a pool at a beach resort is so rare that it might become punishable by law one day. Who has time to enjoy the sea and swim by the pool when there’s a party happening at the bar, an arguile and a bottle of vin rosé right by your side and a housekeeper (who’s not allowed to swim of course) to take care of the kids?

In all cases, Lebanese media has been following up closely on this phenomenon and Al Jadeed published a ground breaking story yesterday on their social media channels, a Lebanese celebrity wearing a swimsuit at the beach!! I kid you not, Elissa was spotted wearing a “maillot” at the beach but it appears that she was so ashamed of herself that she cropped the swimsuit out of her Instagram picture. The story outraged other Lebanese media channels who promised to follow up closely on this story and reveal soon if she was wearing a “2 piece” or “1 piece”. They even lashed out at Al Jadeed for unprofessionally covering one part of the story and not revealing the whole truth.

Stay tuned as I reveal the full story as soon as it’s out.

Thanks Anthony ‪#‎2uw2‬