Category Archives: Humor

Special Celebrations For Weddings/Funerals/Baptisms/Graduation In Lebanon

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wtf Source

Forget the fireworks, the Zaffe and the go go dancers, there’s now a cooler way to celebrate your birthday, a first communion, your wedding, your graduation or even mourn your beloved ones. Several packages are being offered at highly competitive prices and satisfaction is 100% guaranteed (If you manage to get out alive).

Until the packages are finalized, here’s a glimpse of the promotions being offered and the safety measures taken:

– If you just gave birth to a boy and he’s the first boy in the family, two B7 shots will be offered for free. If it’s a girl, a special discount will apply.

– If you’re getting married soon and wish to drive a tank to church, you will have to take tank driving lessons or pay a bribe of $500.

– If you’re having a big funeral and don’t want your guests to get hit by stray bullets, we can arrange to fire towards neighboring towns for an additional fee.

– If the sound of gunshots is not too loud, you can hire our multi-talented “Zouzou ebba” BMW drivers to make more noise.

– If your kid failed to graduate and you had placed your order in advance, you get a 20% discount and your kid gets to fire 10 rounds for free as a consolation prize. Insurance policy will not cover anyone who gets hurt in the process.


Jokes aside, I’m not just writing this to criticize what happened in Zahle during Elias Skaff’s funeral procession, and the fact that armed gunmen were roaming around officials firing in the air, but because some people are actually proud of this heavy firing and believe that it’s the right and “manly” thing to do. We’re lucky no one got hurt during this funeral but we’ve seen how many people were injured or got killed in Beirut due to celebratory gunfire.

What they fail to understand is stray bullets can hit anyone at anytime and kill them, and that their “manly” actions could end up killing innocent people and possibly one of their own. Firing in the air during any occasion is a dangerous habit that needs to be ended once and for all in Zahle and elsewhere for everyone’s sake.

Foreign Players To Replace Lebanese Basketball Players By 2017

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leb Lebanese players next year – via SportsCode (By Mohammad Noureddine)

In an attempt to take basketball in Lebanon to the next level, the Lebanese Basketball teams and the Federation have met and agreed on a 3-year plan:

Year 1: Allow 3 foreign players instead of 2 in order to push salaries down and make the league more competitive.

Year 2: Allow 5 foreign players instead of 3 and limit the number of Lebanese players to 4 in each team. During this year:
– Lebanese players will be encouraged to take cheer-leading lessons to entertain the crowds during time outs.
– Water boy and ball boy positions will be assigned to Lebanese players and staff to keep them warmed up in case all foreign players got injured.
– Lebanese players who stay on the bench for more than 5 games will have to pay an entrance fee.
– Lebanese players who wish to play for more than 5 minutes per game will have to pay for their own jersey to support local produce.
– Lebanese players will be allowed to sell peanuts, popcorn and soft drinks from the bench.
– Fans will no longer be allowed to chant slogans in Arabic.

Year 3: Ban all Lebanese players from the league and rename the league from FLB to the RNBAPL (Retired NBA Players League). During this year:
– Lebanese players will be assigned special seats with the fans but will have to pay for their own jerseys and tickets.
– Ball boy will have to carry a Lebanese flag to remind everyone this is a Lebanese league.
– Lebanese players who wish to play for local teams can only apply as foreigners if they have non-Lebanese passports.
– Last but not least, Ghayyath Deebra will have to cover the whole game in English.

On a serious note, the decision that was taken today is the dumbest one in Lebanese Basketball history and it will destroy the game for at least the next 2 or 3 years. This federation and all the teams that agreed on 3 foreign players should be ashamed of themselves.

RIP Lebanese Basketball.

Homeland (TV Series) Got What They Deserved

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homeland via The Guardian

Street artists were apparently approached to add authenticity to the Homeland TV Series set somewhere in Berlin to make it look like a refugee camp on the Syrian-Lebanese border, but they did more than that and planted subversive messages in Arabic like “Homeland is racist”, “Homeland is not a show” and “Homeland is watermelon” to protest the show’s stereotyped portrayal of the Arab world. The Arabic quotes were not checked by the producers and were visible in the second episode of the fifth season, which aired earlier this week.

Here’s what the artists said in a joint statement:

“For four seasons, and entering its fifth, ‘Homeland’ has maintained the dichotomy of the photogenic, mainly white, mostly American protector versus the evil and backwards Muslim threat,” the artists Heba Amin, Caram Kapp, and Stone wrote in a joint statement published Wednesday.

home1 via The Guardian

Three years ago, the Lebanese Government wanted to sue Homeland for misrepresenting Hamra in Beirut and showing armed men roaming in it.

Hamra street according to Homeland

Three Quick Tips To Become The Next Miss Lebanon 2015-2016

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1- First things first, try to stay calm. 2asbe, preferably eaten with Arak, can help but there are no scientific studies to back this claim.

2- Second of all, avoid placing yourself into situations where you risk embarrassment.


3- To avoid stupid answers like the one given by one of Mr Lebanon’s candidates, consult the godfather of beauty in Lebanon. He will help you find your inner and outer beauty and his office is very easy to find as it is right on the “hight way”.


Aliens Aren’t Coming…They’re Already Here In Beirut

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So I got a couple of videos yesterday on whatsapp and a friend of mine posted another on Facebook showing an unidentified flying object over Beirut. I thought it was a huge drone at first but I’ve never seen one that big. It could also some alien-themed wedding proposal where the groom lands in a UFO with his Martian friends or maybe it’s just Matt Damon coming to town.

Has anyone else seen these videos? Check out this [one].


Shocking News: Lebanese Politicians No Longer The Least Trustworthy In The World

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I was going through the 2015-2016 Global Competitiveness report and comparing Lebanon’s ratings with the 2013-2014 and 2014-2015 reports. Surprisingly enough, Lebanese politicians are no longer the least trustworthy in the world after staying on top for three years in a row. In fact they managed somehow to improve by 13 spots, which means that there’s either a glitch in the report or there are far worse politicians than the ones we have here.

Jokes aside, here are few key indicators where Lebanon is still badly ranked (Out of 140):

Intellectual property protection: 139/140.
Diversion of public funds: 137/140
Public trust in politicians: 127/140
Irregular payments and bribes: 127/140
Wastefulness of government spending: 139/140
Transparency of government policy making: 130/140
Reliability of police services: 130/140
Quality of overall infrastructure: 138/140
Quality of electricity supply: 137/140
General government debt, % GDP: 137/140
Women in labor force, ratio to men: 134/140
Gov’t procurement of advanced tech products: 132/140

On the other hand, here are some positive indicators:

HIV prevalence, % adult pop: 1/140
Individuals using Internet, %: 33/140
Infant mortality, deaths/1,000 live births: 49/140
Quality of primary education: 19/140
Quality of math and science education: 6/140
Quality of the education system: 28/140
Soundness of banks: 23/140
Availability of scientists and engineers: 27/140

I expect the ratings to get much worse in next year’s report especially after the garbage crisis, the presidency void, the demonstrations and the chaotic situation.