Category Archives: Humor

Em Hortons Now Open in Lebanon

Posted By :

em hortons via Adriana

Em Hortons beat Tim Hortons to Lebanon and opened its first shop in Halat, North Lebanon. We tried to reach Tim Hortons to comment on the story but did not get any feedback.

In other exciting news, you can now buy genuine and original “Converce” (with a C) for LL 10,000 in Jdeide.

converse

The Ultimate Guide to Dealing With Garbage in Lebanon

Posted By :

111

If you’re having trouble dealing with the garbage situation in Lebanon, follow the below guidelines:

1- Keep a picture of our current Environment Minister with you at all time. It’s a very efficient blocking tool.
2- Make use of all these mosquitoes to create new local dishes. Mosquito Hrisse can be our new local secret on Snapchat. Chou we2fit 3al Fattet Shrimps?
3- If you can’t stand the smell and have to take out your garbage, throw if off the balcony.
4- If you risk getting caught, build a small catapult, install it on the roof and throw your garbage to your neighbor’s roof.
5- Urinate to mark your “garbage” territory so that no one else throws trash in your spot.
6- Keep a picture of a fried rat and show it to any rat you spot on the street. That way, he will get scared and stay away from you. (Make sure to look him in the eye).
7- Snapping at a party by rotating your camera stupidly and making your followers dizzy can be made much easier with mosquitoes around.
8- Buy a net mask and wear it at all time to avoid swallowing mosquitoes. If you can’t afford masks, try to negotiate with the mosquitoes and ask them kindly not to enter your mouth, or bribe them with a couple of blood drops.
9- There’s no need to feel guilty if you fart during a date or in public, just blame it on the garbage piles and fart at will.
10- The new waves of mosquitoes arriving are harmless and are part of the celebrations prepared by the government to mark the 100th anniversary of the invasion of locusts (jarad) during WWI. If you spot suited up mosquitoes, don’t be afraid.

If all else fails, follow the genius solution proposed by one of Mr.Lebanon’s candidates.

Lebanon’s Overly Confident Man, AKA Anthony Hamawi, Loses Title

Posted By :

overly

9gag has dropped Lebanese comedian, musician, actor, dubbed “Malik el Sex wel Cornflex wel Tipex” Anthony Hamawi as its overly confident man after leaked images from his wedding revealed him in a not so confident position. A close friend of his was quoted saying “7ala2oulou lal m3attar”.

In other shocking news, Hamawi has promised to clean the house from time to time, do the dishes and even prepare meals. He even vowed to shop for 2 hours every week with his wife and carry her bag if needed.

Mabrouk Anthony & Cynthia, wish you all the best!

PS: That’s the best & most courageous decision you’ll ever take ‪in your life #‎2uw2‬.

Lebanese Dream Of High Speed Internet

Posted By :

intenret via @haidcar

The above table was being shared yesterday as an April Fools’ joke. I have no idea whether it’s all fabricated or inspired from the 2020 plan announced by the MOT, but what’s sure is that we are still far from getting these speeds.

Few days ago, I asked people to share speedtest screenshots on Facebook and some of the speeds I got were deplorable. We are talking about 0.13, 0.47 and 0.12Mbps download DSL speeds here. The majority had speeds below 2Mbps while the highest speed I got was 4.69Mbps from a local cable provider in Achrafieh.

I’m glad that the internet topic is all over the news recently and as I stated previously, slow internet is as important as the garbage problem, whether you like to admit it or not, because technology has a huge impact on every country’s development and falling behind will cost us dearly in the future.

speed2

speed8

Apparently I’m a Doctor & Professor At the Lebanese University

Posted By :

email

I got an email yesterday from a Lebanese University student asking me for a recommendation letter. I thought at first the letter was for my brother since it said “Dear Dr” and he’s a doctor but it was actually addressed to me.

I replied and asked the student where he got my email from and he told me the secretary at the university gave him this address thinking that it was his professor’s email. Of course I informed him that the email is wrong but then I looked through my junk mail and found tons of emails (some of them seemed confidential) being sent to my address from the LU. I also got a happy birthday email back in September with the professor’s name written in the subject.

I am going to email them in a bit and ask them to correct all this mess but I have 3 questions here:

– Where did they get my email from? And how come no one noticed there’s a wrong email in that long list?
– Why are all the emails listed in the TO: field and not hidden in BCC: as they should be?
– Why isn’t there an online directory for students to look up their teachers’ emails? And how do they communicate usually?

bday

mails

Arabic Words & Phrases That We all Use & Don’t Understand

Posted By :

tallat via Ousoul

“Tallat” el PC.
“Banchar” el Douleb.
A7welo “Bil loj”.
Badde “Chalimoune” lal Pepsi. (I never use that one lol!)
“Bandou2” hal sabe manno 3atil.
Ma ba2a ma3e “massare” hal chaher.
Kteer “Shob” el yom.
Hayde el benet “Sharm****”.
“Balafo” bi hal le3be.

We all use these terms but we probably never asked ourselves what they truly mean and where they came from. There are also tons of Lebanese terms that don’t even exist in the Arabic language and that we use daily. For example, “tallat” apparently comes from the English verb “tilt”, “banchar” is inspired from “puncture”, whereas “loj” which is used to describe someone wealthy and well-off originates from the French word “loge” (a small, separated expensive seating area in the auditorium for a limited number of people).

If you are curious to know their origins, there’s a Facebook page called Ousoul that sheds light on the origin of terminologies used in different Arabic dialects. I fell on this page by mistake after reading an article on the origins of 6 Arabic words we often use on Red Bull’s website.

Enjoy!

terem

Sharmouta

Illegal Internet in Lebanon Explained

Posted By :

internet

I would add these one point to Farid’s spot-on video:
– The illegal Fiber optics cables that were installed between several regions were mistaken for rat metros, given that the rat population has been booming in Lebanon lately. So you can’t really blame the authorities here.

Watch carefully and help the authorities find more illegal networks!

Ma fi shi bye2ta3 3layna. #bigachievement

Posted by FarixTube on Monday, March 28, 2016

illegal

Lebanese Finally Agree On Something: Thank you Ahlam!

Posted By :

A7lam3

I’ve been reading for the past half hour the replies to Ahlam following her ill-mannered tweets against the Lebanese media and people and I can’t stop laughing! That’s not the first time she insults Lebanese and she totally deserves this bashing.

For those who aren’t aware of what happened, one of A7lam’s fan, also known as Halloumi (Halloumiyeen bil jame3) tweeted at Adel Karam after he mocked the Emirate “singer”, so she retweeted it and insulted the Lebanese media by saying:

“This is a video for the beggars in the Lebanese media who have insulted their queen. A poem from my country responding to them.”

Then she replied to another post and said:

“I’m telling the beggars so they won’t keep on talking about their mistress and queen. Let them prove they love their country and pick up the garbage from their streets.”

I love how all the Lebanese online agreed on bashing her together. The hashtag #منع_احلام_من_دخول_لبنان has been viral for two days now. What’s also surprising is that Adel’s video on A7lam was funny, check it out:

عادل كرم يسخر من "الملكة" أحلام !#هيدا_حكي

Posted by ‎Neswa cafe نسوة كافيه‎ on Wednesday, March 23, 2016

A7lam4

What MP Elie Marouni Knows About Lebanon

Posted By :

Marouni

MP Elie Marouni was asked few general knowledge questions on MTV’s “Meen Bya3rif” and those were his answers:

What is the holiday that is celebrated at the end of Ramadan?
His answer: Ramadan

Who was called the King of Rock & Roll?
His answer: Michael Jackson

What is the name of Lebanon’s ambassador to the UN?
His answer: pass

Who is Zgharta’s third MP along with Sleiman Frangieh and Estephan el Douaiy?
His answer: Samir Karam

There are 3 main branches in Lebanese politics, the Executive branch, the Legislative branch and?
His answer: The presidential, the one that belongs to the president.

In which area was Yves Nawfal killed?
His answer: Bkassine.

This guy is clueless about Lebanese politics, Lebanese religious holidays and incidents that shook the nation such as Yves Nawfal’s murder. He doesn’t even know who’s the King of Rock & Roll. His Arabic is decent though, unlike Gebran Bassil.

Here’s the video if you don’t believe me. Thank you CHINN for bringing it up!

شو بيعرف ايلي ماروني عن لبنان؟#ChiNN

Posted by Chi.N.N on Wednesday, March 16, 2016

Here’s the Q&A in Arabic courtesy of Joelle Boutros:

استضافت ناديا بساط بحلقة مبارح من برنامج “مين بيعرف” نواب لبنانيين بينهم ايلي ماروني.
اليكم بعض اجابات ماروني.

السؤال: أي عيد نحتفل به في نهاية شهر رمضان المبارك؟
ماروني: رمضان.

السؤال: مين كان ملقب بملك الروك اند رول؟
ماروني: مايكل جاكسون.

السؤال: عندما نقول hypermétropie أي عضو بالجسم يكون مصاباً؟
ماروني: هيدي لدكتور عاصم عراجي. بجيّرلو ياها.

السؤال: شو اسم سفير لبنان لدى الأمم المتحدة؟
ماروني: passe

السؤال: شو اسم ثالث نائب بزغرتا غير سليمان فرنجيه واسطفان الدويهي؟
ماروني: سمير كرم.

السؤال: شو اسم السلطة الثالثة بلبنان غير التنفيذية والتشريعية؟
ماروني: الرئاسية. تبع الرئاسة.
بساط بتعيد السؤال.
ماروني: القضائية والإعلامية.

السؤال: بأي منطقة جبلية صارت جريمة قتل الشاب ايف نوفل؟
ماروني: بكاسين.